The Brinktionary

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I’ve always enjoyed humour based on satire and wit. Like when comedian Steven Wright observed that a shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Back at school I bought Colin Bowles The Wit’s Dictionary, which over time I even added to in pencil when new satirical terms from other sources took my fancy.

I also came up with some of my own from time to time, with some help from my kids. Below I’ve been capturing some of my own warped meanings drafted with tongue-in-cheek, sprinkled with some #kidlulz.

TermDefinitionSource
Agenagenagen(Hindi) "You're unclear, please repeat what you said in a simpler way."8:50 PM - 24 May 2017
ArroganceThe collective noun for a collection of red wines from different regions.6:02 PM - 3 Oct 2015
AvocadoGreen thing, like a pear, just more disgusting.#kidlulz
6:21 AM - 26 Jan 2016
Bi-weekly
(adj/adv/noun) A frequency which has Two vastly different meanings.5:55 PM - 23 Feb 2017
Birth(noun) The event when children find a way out of their mother's belly.#kidlulz
2:52 AM - 8 Sep 2017
Brash(adjective) The collective noun of faeces that you fling in anger.5:18 PM - 9 Apr 2017
Bread boxa device you put bread in to make it green before throwing out.2:16 PM - 7 Jan 2012
Coco popsRice bubbles that are brown like a bear.#kidlulz
7:37 AM - 30 Sep 2016
Crash(noun) A more fierce Clash; or a regular clash for someone struggling to pronounce an L.2:19 PM · May 19, 2020
Croissanta bread thing, shaped funny that's missing the egg & bacon.Oxford - not really
8:18 AM - 24 Jun 2014
Croissant (2)French for Crumbs8:23 AM - 25 Feb 2014
DAIYU BUSTED(Scouser dialect) an unsympathetic suspicion to an opposing team member's injury.2:35 PM · May 27, 2016
Decimatewhen 10% of your friends are Australians.4:30 AM - 20 Apr 2012
Diagonal(adj.) A bit sideways, and a bit up.#kidlulz
7:16 AM · Apr 20, 2021
Door-bell
(noun) an intrusive device aimed at distracting you from enjoying life.11:54 AM - 25 Mar 2013
Exercuse
(noun) flimsy reason given to avoid a workout.11:08 AM - 7 Jan 2016
Export Credit (noun) The treasury agreeing to scratch your back if you agree to scratch theirs.9:17 AM - 13 Mar 2012
Faeces(noun) the more posh way to mention poo, for story-telling purposes#kidlulz
3:10 PM · Jul 14, 2016
Faecinating(adj.) the heightened interest that young boys find in talking about poo.#kidlulz
9:46 AM · May 20, 2020
Famousa mostly sold-out adjective, which means either hopeful or desperate. 6:58 AM - 17 Feb 2013
Fertilizera fancy word for putrid stench.10:34 AM - 2 Nov 2016
FocusphobiaThe fear of doing one thing at a time.1:33 AM - 24 Feb 2019
Fresh(adj.) the non-expletive way to say it’s fucking freezing.8:33 AM · Jun 17, 2021
Gapanother word for an opportunity. Is your gap half-empty or your opportunity half-full?12:09 PM - 8 Feb 2015
Gawkwardwhen someone stares at something uneasy/difficult/inconvenient. 8:14 AM · May 20, 2020
Geeseelegant ducks with a long neck.#kidlulz
2:58 AM - 27 Aug 2017
Gluten-tagGerman greeting for those without coeliac disease.#kidlulz
2:08 PM · Sep 11, 2021
Hacker(noun) Any person who is better than Owen in a computer game.#kidlulz
5:26 PM · Apr 30, 2022
Hamster(noun) the midway point between a rat and a cat.8:05 AM - 16 Nov 2018
HopefulWhen web browsers auto-complete a suggested URL when the user has only typed www.9:46 PM - 20 Nov 2012
Hospitalthat ambulance house thing#kidlulz
3:48 PM - 8 Sep 2017
Humbled(adj) to be proudly embarrassed.10:12 AM - 15 May 2012
Infinityaire(noun) like a millionaire or billionaire, except the money never stopped growing.Blogged.
9:49 PM - 22 Oct 2012
Insectssomething with wings that's annoying.#kidlulz
10:42 AM - 19 Mar 2016
IntermittentFrench for annoying8:51 AM - 7 Feb 2012
IronyWhen it’s too cold to venture out and buy a jumper.11:53 AM - 29 May 2019
IronyAttending a data dictionary workshop, and I was confused by one of the columns and they explained the title in a completely opposite way to the term's definition.2:08 PM · Apr 3, 2023
Irrationalise(verb) To justify actions based upon illogical reasons.9:09 PM - 27 May 2017
"Jeff's Shed"(For anyone else new to Victoria) "Jeff's Shed" is the Melbourne Convention Exhibition Centre. It has that colloquial title in reference to the former Vic premier.1:40 PM · Jun 16, 2021
Jiggerbyte(n) the digital storage required for a video of lively springy dance in triple rhythm.3:14 PM - 19 Jun 2012
Kanban(??): refers to the evolution of an idea to a sticky note, to an online tool, to a print out, to a photo, to an email message, to a reply-all, back into a tool, and into a brand new idea.4:38 PM · Feb 11, 2020
Kiwi Fruit(noun) fruit of a hairy variety#kidlulz
10:46 AM - 1 Dec 2012
Knowledge management(noun)_ Persistence for posterity11:58 AM · Jan 12, 2023
Lavatoread(verb) to take a book with you into the bathroom.11:21 AM - 17 Aug 2012
Lint(noun) an annual religious period of resistance to clothes fluff.7:38 PM - 12 Mar 2012
Ludicrous
(adj.) Ridiculous plus 7% 4:14 PM - 22 Oct 2014
Mobile phone(n) a device that rings to inform some employees where they were meant to be ten minutes ago10:33 AM - 20 May 2012
Mysteriousa sexy word for incomprehensible.10:12 AM - 14 Mar 2013
Nostrilsthe holes where your boogers are.#kidlulz
5:15 PM - 28 Jul 2014
Oblivious(adj.) A dumber version of being unaware.10:21 AM - 29 Sep 2014
OMGWow x 35%5:05 AM - 6 May 2016
Opaquea posh word for see-through#kidlulz
9:54 AM - 2 Dec 2012
Organicincreasingly another term for "Yuppy".2:33 PM - 17 Feb 2015
Pair of Ducks Paradoxnot sure what it might be about, but it sounds cool.8:39 AM · Feb 7, 2023
Pareto Passing20% of colleagues feel 80% of their duties should be performed by someone else.5:47 AM - 9 Jul 2012
Pide (Turkish pastry)Turkish for tasty pizza boat. 1:40 PM - 1 Jul 2017
PistachiosThe nut that looks like a clam.#kidlulz
8:06 PM - 16 Apr 2014
RecallThe short form of "Oh crap, did I just send that to EVERYONE!?"10:07 AM - 19 Dec 2013
Result
(noun) the enlightenment from receiving the same insult a second time. 2:15 PM - 17 Dec 2013
SaturdayThe day when people 'sit' around#kidlulz
7:52 AM · Aug 20, 2019
Sentry gun(noun) an automatic weapon that will last one hundred years.#kidlulz
7:27 AM · Sep 25, 2021
Shopping list(noun) A smarmy device to demonstrate how far off track you can get. 1:52 PM - 20 Feb 2016
Sleazy(adj) Creepy plus some ego.1:19 PM - 8 Sep 2018
Sludgethe past tense of a slug crossing a footpath.9:04 AM - 20 April 2012
Speed Bump(noun) a small rise in the road, which increases safety by cars driving around them slowly.2:47 PM - 4 Mar 2017
SudokuMigraine caused by numbers (origin Japan).4:07 AM - 31 Aug 2017
Suit jacketa piece of tailored clothing to make the back of my office chair match my pants.2:19 PM - 25 Oct 2011
TreatThe day before Retreat2:53 PM - 3 Apr 2018
TriathlonAn athletic pursuit which combines four events, swim, cycle, run, and quickly getting dressed for work after sleeping in.2:30 am - 4 Aug 2012
Ubiquitous(adj.) The ability to complete an unfinished transaction via a different device that isn't yet flat.8:25 AM - 29 Nov 2018
Valet
(noun) a French gang who ransom car parks for exorbitant sums of money. 1:51 PM - 5 Oct 2014
Waggle(verb) a wiggling wagging motion made by the tails of excessively happy animals.6:10 PM - 30 May 2012

#entarch to business speak translator

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I had quite a positive meeting with someone from the business regarding enterprise architecture (EA) . It’s an interesting engagement, which we’ve yet to do in any other part of the business. To put it mildly, the area is terribly unhappy with their IT support. I’d suggest their issues are mostly with delivery and communication, program management, application portfolio management, technology modernisation, and business automation in general. This is why I am absolutely certain an EA view and strategy will provide massive benefits. The entire enterprise is so EA immature though, broaching the discipline with the business carries some risk. This wasn’t a major concern for me. It’s clear from the size of the above issues and the major stakeholder’s passion and urgency to fix them, that they “get” it.

To prevent any bad first impressions of EA, I carefully spoke to their needs. I stayed well-clear of our usual enterprise architecture mother-tongue/pseudo speak. (I feel describing enterprise architecture in any real detail intimidates even some IT folks who are more comfortable on the software side.) I was out of practice in business discussions, but the outcome was OK.

I thought it’d be interesting to take the time to record some of the key concepts I remember avoiding, and publish the business-friendly versions which worked. And it’s helpful to consider some more this “enterprise architecture to business speak translator”. Anyone is welcome to contribute their own. I’ve been to presentations some time ago which covered IT to business communication more generally. And there are probably stacks of posts on this topic which I’ll maybe reference later.

Enterprise architecture concept Business description
Meta model Big clear picture to describe everything we need to understand.  Ordinarily this is not something I’d recommend sharing anyway, but this was a special case.
Conceptual to logical to physical Going from the big picture of what you need, down to the level of detail where we know what we’ll put in place
As-is picture View of what’s there today
Business architecture Everything we need to know about how the operation is organised, and how it runs
Data entities Information
Association matrix Mapping
Business to IT alignment Implementing the right supportive technology that business processes require.  (The meaning changes slightly, but was correct in that instance.)
Tactical solutions What we can do in the short-term to help
Standardisation
Thanks Chris
Increase profit by reducing waste

Settling an argument I forgot, about something with somebody

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I can’t recall whom I had the discussion with, but perhaps months after the fact I decided to Google it.  And here’s proof (albeit from a freely editable authority) that Equatorial Guinea is not on the equator like many assume.

Despite its name, no part of Equatorial Guinea’s territory lies on the Equator. However, its island of Annobón is 155 kilometres (100 mi) south of the Equator, and the rest of the country lies to the north. The country that comes closest to the Equator without actually touching it is Peru, 4.3 kilometres (2.7 mi) south of the Equator.

via Equator – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

So there, whoever you are.

The internet is making us dumb

Reading Time: 2 minutes

I’ve heard people claiming that with the internet we’re growing dumb by having such a plethora of information at our finger tips. I never bought much into the argument, but maybe it does have some merit, particularly when the information that is closest to our finger tips is wrong.

I’m delivering a presentation today to the CPI software congress. Yesterday I showed a colleague the content, and mentioned the segways I had in mind – referring to the way I would try to transition the content through different slides. He looked at me puzzled, and asked what a two wheel device for getting around the airport had to do with anything. Despite being British, he was only slightly joking. He had not heard the word Segway used in its proper context, only from a product perspective – with particular highlights such as when George W. Bush fell off one.

I suggested he look up the proper meaning. We didn’t have a dictionary at hand, so Google had to do. I was gob-smacked with what came back.

Of a dozen or so references Google sent to his Blackberry; and particularly when you use the dictionary function of define: segway, there was no mention of it actually being a word. Nope. A segway according to the leading definitions on the web is a:

A large update: I’ve traced the etymology of the term, and embarassingly found using the word segway in the context above comes from the Trade Marked product name – Segway.

The internet is not making us dumb, I was dumb to start with. The internet can only help.

An even bigger, and more important update:
Thanks to Tim, I’ve learned the word in question is segue. Which is a real, non-trademarkable word.

The Internet may not change the fact we are dumb, but it does have the benefit of exchange with smarter people.
🙂