To quantify a “handfull”

I was recently chatting with a colleague about our respective kids, when he started comparing our situations.  Ordinarily there’s no value in making comparisons.  But it was just interesting to see the difference in our ages.

Despite being almost ten years older than me, our children are set to be very close in age.  He made a comment along the lines of finding his kids quite a handfull, and it would probably be a lot easier for me to get around after my kid.  But in answer to him, I had to say I’ve never found it effortless.

Every year it seems there’s a new oldest mother in the world, often with a lot of negative publicity.  There’s a number of reasons why that’s not a good idea.  Most importantly in my eyes is life expectancy.  These mothers in their 70s would be doing exceedingly well to just be around to see their child’s 15th birthday.

But in terms of ideal age, I suppose it just made me reflect that it’s obvious to me that at no age a parent is going to find it easy to endlessly chase after and look after their kids while keeping them entertained.  Last year I was probably the fittest I’ve been in my life.  I was in marathon running shape so my stamina was quite high.  But I can honestly say my son was still a handfull. 

Perhaps the measure of a kid being a handfull is something they watch. Perhaps they are just able to guage how much energy a parent has,  sap it to the point of exhaustion, then they’re ready to go to bed.

I think this may explain how my older, non-marathon running colleague found his kids such a handfull, yet I did too. 

Guess it begs the question how much energy do our kids have.  I think in all honestly, there is a connection between how well you’re able to keep up with them, and how much energy they’re able to exert.

But the longer I’m in the game of being a parent I also see the value of being creative.  A game to keep them entertained is good.  A game that keeps them entertained while not involving you physically is better.  But a game that keeps them entertained, while not involving you physically, that helps with getting some of the house work done is clearly the best!  I can’t recall any of these examples off the top of my head, but I will certainly document them when I remember.

No, I’m the conductor

Since we weren’t fit to participate in the Jetty 2 Jetty fun run this year, my son and I went to Clontarf to just watch the finish.  It was another beautiful Queensland day, providing some very nice running conditions.

We settled at a point around 50 – 100 metres from the finish.  We saw four or five people from the running club, and cheered on many others as well.

My little guy was quite impressed at the number of little kids taking off at the start of the 3km event.  He mimicked my cheering by yelling out random names at the pretty big crowd which got many giggles.  Later he said he was just doing it to make me laugh.

We then went to a park in nearby Scarborough.  It has a train, so obviously a big hit!  My attempts at getting him to come with me to a cafe before the park were very ambitious.  We went to the park first.  Of course the train was the first thing used. He took to the controls, and barely moved for the next 20 minutes.  That is, except to tell me to occasionally change the signals – which I could never seem to do right.

Another boy came along who also favoured driving the train.  Although unhappy about it, my son accepted that his shift had finished so it was time to move to his second preference job, the train conductor.  The Polar Express movie has a lot to answer for.  My little guy was quoting lines to the other kids, most a little older than his three years.  None of them quite knew what to make of the dialogue.  But one other kid, quite older, thought he should be taking people’s tickets.  When my son spotted this rogue activity I could read in his face, “Not on my watch!”

“No, I’m the conductor” he said very repetitively which didn’t get the result he was after.  It seems the chain of command my son was working within at “the train park” had not been ratified.  I thought it was an opportune time for us to check the train’s carriages.  The other boy seemed to move on also.

Just before the hour mark I made moves for us to leave. It’s strange but he’s quite the opposite of most other kids we see at parks.  He definitely gets quicker the longer he’s there.  In fact we’ve had confirmation from other parents.  One mother commented that we wouldn’t have many photos of him that weren’t a blur.

The thought of leaving wasn’t taken overly well, but it never is.

Two babycinnos, and a serve of pancakes with ice cream and maple syrup seemed to make things a little less disappointing.  But he told me straight that he wasn’t very happy.

A guy enters a bar joke #1

I just know I’ll write more of these, so I’ll forward plan and start numbering.

A guy enters a bar and asks the bar tender for a tall glass of the most expensive scotch he has.  The bar tender is happy to oblige and hands a full glass to the guy.  The guy puts it to his lips and sculls all the whiskey down in one rushed gulp. 

He asks the bar tender for another, just the same.  The bar tender pours another tall glass for the man, and yet again – amazingly – the guy sculls the entire glass of scotch again.

At this, the bar tender says to the man, “You’re drinking 18 year, single malt, single cask, scotch imported from a 250 year distillery deep within the highlands of Scotland.  You really should slow down and savour it.”

The man responds, “Mate, you’d drink it this fast too if you’ve got what I’ve got”.

To this, the bar tender is taken a little aback.  He apologises, and explains he didn’t want to be insensitive.  But he just had to ask, “So what do you have?”.

Sheepishly the guy replies, 25 cents.

Teewah – 12 July 2008

My brother has been camping up at Teewah Beach the past week.  Possibly the coldest and wettest week Teewah Beach has seen in the past three years.

It was a beautiful morning so my son and I drove up and spent the day with him. To be more precise, the tides dictated that we were only going to spend 4 or 5 hours with him.  Regardless, we still filled the back of the X-Trail with enough activities that could keep a childcare centre busy for a week or two. We had footballs, beach balls, cricket set, fishing rods, books, comics, cars, Tonka trucks, and much, much more. I’d rather have more things than are wanted, than less.

We took just over two hours to get there, including a short stop on the beach before Red Canyon to show the police presence my driver’s license and pass their Random Breath Test. I naively asked if they do this very often cause it’s the first time I’ve seen them.  He said yes, we’re always here around school holidays. Later I realise he was never going to answer, ‘No, this is the first and last time we’ll ever be here to make sure people aren’t misbehaving’ – even if it had been the truth.

The instructions to find my brother were perfected to the kilometre. It was a well-sheltered spot.  It should be pointed out, the term ‘sheltered’ here is only used relatively since the thickness of the tent’s skin could me measured in nanometres. Camping in winter has a further marketing issue when a sleeping bag only adds a few centimetres of protection.

Sitting back watching the ocean we spotted at least two pods of whales swimming North. They were only a stone’s throw from the breaking waves (NOT that we tested this).

We played a bit of beach cricket, as much as you can when one third of the players is a three year old. A three year old with a fantastic cover drive I should add.

What was also a bit of fun was when the three year old delegated the remaining workers into their tasks to develop an apartment.  If the youngun wasn’t having so much fun doing his job of moving the Tonka truck between the quarry to the construction site, the task may have been a little pointless. The structure was only made from the stuff that’s everywhere around it – sand. But we did manage to dig down deep enough to get to water which helped it climb an extra few inches. We all marvelled at how it grew. Well, we thought we were all marvelling until a split second later a Tonka violently climbed the side, knocked off the penthouse and top two floors, then descended to several laughs.

Unfortunately not too far from where the construction was selected there was obviously the final remains of a pelican. By its rate of decomposition all you could really see were feathers. Of course my son spotted it, and asked what it was.  I tried to shelter him from the truth and just said it was where some feathers had fallen out of a bird.  “Nah, I think it’s just dead – that’s all” was his reply which made me grow up.

Lunch was a beautiful fresh bread sandwich with freshly caught fish. You can’t beat that.

The trip home was a little delayed so we were still on the beach close to high tide. Sometimes this is a cause of concern [insert here picture of poor 4WD stuck at the beach drowned to its roof].  But there was still more than enough room for us. It just made us drive in softer sand, which to a learning 4WDer was a lot more fun anyway.

The poor child fell a sleep very soon after we left the site. But he woke when we stopped to give the brother’s car some cooling down time. I can only think he woke from realising his sleeping head was no longer getting thrashed around in his car seat.

Finally we got back to Brisbane and into a take-away shop near our house just after 7pm. By this time the boy’s eyes were watering from his tiredness and the salt or sand.  And his temperature from his cough had risen a lot. I said poor little boy, you’re not very well are you. He looked at me with these poor blood-shot little eyes that were clearly hard to keep open and said “No, but why does that chicken have a big belly?” – pointing at the Red Rooster logo.

What a little champion. And what a day.

No I’m not going to die

This relates to yet another classic comment from my son.

We were in the car and my wife and I were talking about the current status of my sickness.  I’ve had a cough for over a week now, and it now develops into a pretty serious headache by the end of the day.

The little guy in the back was listening in, but didn’t hear all we were saying so he asked what we were talking about.  The wife said, ‘We were just talking about how Daddy is currently sick”.

To this he offered an interesting three year old response, “Is he going to die?”.

Thankfully the answer is no I’m not going to die – not in the short-term anyway –  but you’ve gotta love children.

New Tickle Me Elmo employee

Ticle Me Elmo dollRyan, the General Manager at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, was asked by his wife to find a job for a good friend of hers who was having some trouble securing a job.  Knowing the friend in question, Ryan was hesitant but in the end agreed to find her something at the factory.  But he thought long and hard for a role that the lady wouldn’t foul up.  Eventually he figured out something dead simple. 

The next day he showed her through the production line of the factory, and her workspace and explained what she needed to do. He asked if she understood, and she said it was no problem at all.  So he left her to her work, and said he’d drop by at lunch time to see how she was going.

Lunch time came, and Ryan met with the manager of the production line to see how the new employee was going. The manager walked into his office looking extremely stressed, explaining you just had to see the production line and what has happened.

The two of them walk down to the production line and there was a terrible back-up with Tickle Me Elmos falling off with such a build-up.

Ryan followed the big line of Elmos that weren’t moving all the way to his wife’s friend who seemed to be the cause.  She was working furiously at the end of the line where he had instructed. 

But she was holding the Elmo doll upside down, and with the greatest of care she was picking up two little ball bearings and a piece of red material, then pain-stakingly sewing these little balls over Elmo’s groin area into a little pocket.

At this Ryan blew his cool and screamed to the lady, “No, no, NO!  I told you to just give Elmo TWO TEST TICKLES!”

My worst half marathon yet

Last year I ran the Gold Coast full Marathon.  It didn’t go great, but I did OK.

Unfortunately my training this year has been abridged due to more than a few injuries. That’s why I decided to focus on just the half marathon this year.  I say “just” because 21.1km still seems like a decent distance unless you’re in a taxi stuck in traffic.

But the half marathon was definitely my worst yet.  I painfully came home in a disappining – even embarassing – time of 1:53:23.  >20 minutes beyond my best.  13 minutes beyond anything I’d consider average for myself.  3 minutes beyond some of the 50 year old ladies in my running club.

Not happy Jan.

I should say though, the event was great, and the buzz of the Gold Coast is always worth it.

The first three kms I ran with a couple of guys from my club.  We were stuck in a fair bit of traffic so we were reduced to 5min+ km, then we started to find some space and got to just over 4:30min/km pace which was closer to our target.

But I fell off this bus at the four km mark as my legs felt like there were filled to the brim with concrete. My legs just didn’t want to move. Each movement was quite painful, particularly anything quicker than a jog, so I deduced from this I should slow things down if I’m going to go any further. 

It’s a depressing feeling when you’re in a world of hurt, and there’s still more than 17 km to go.  Thoughts of stopping there flashed into my mind, but I couldn’t live with a DNF (Did Not Finish) next to my name.  And I thought considering the cost of this exercise, and the trouble I went through to get to GC it would be even more disappointing.  So I continued in a modified running style – one that was less painful.

At around the seven km mark I lost sensation in my left foot.  This is a condition I’ve had on and off for way too long now.  It happened to me at the Brisbane Marathon Festival half marathon also – my last disappointing race.  There I decided to sit down and stretch it out, then I was able to run for a while and the numbness subsided.  So I figured I could just run through this again, and all would be OK.  Four km later, my foot is still annoyingly numb.  But the numbness is starting to be exchanged with a stabbing pain.  Again I considered if I should stop or not – it was really starting to suck.

I continue on, but it’s very noticeable that I’m getting passed by 100s of people, and I’m not passing anyone.

The final half a dozen kilometres were worse still. My speed was reduced to 6mins/km, otherwise my legs felt like they would seize up.  And new feelings of being sick come on the scene to add to the experience.

With a kilometre to go, and then 100m to go I assumed I was going to finish, but I was not overly confident about anything.

I have the ability during any run to break into an impressive sprint when I know I’ll finish soon.  I think I could have sped up a little at this tragic event also, but there was little point and hypocritical to finish fast.  Instead I just maintain my dilapidated canter and stop dead over the finish line.  One of the first-aid ladies take a look at me and ask if  I’m alright. Not a good sign.

Very disappoining end to a disappointing run.  But I guess there are two positives to take from the event. One is I finished despite the adversity, and two is at least I beat the Queensland Premier, Anna Bligh.

ADDENDUM:
I was still not well more than a week after the run.  In fact I was worse.  I chose to go against my usual tendencies, and this time actually visit a doctor.  He diagnosed my issue as an infected windpipe.  He was suitably unimpressed that I had attempted a half marathon in that condition.

Antio-biotics and an asthma puffer have eased things.