Despite his protests, at 8:30pm I was marching my four year old out of the television room to have a bath when the television ratings warning came on for the impending movie.
Trying to leverage this he pleaded with me, “Ohhh, but I love ‘Low Level Course Language'”.
My four year old was driving with me on an errand when he spotted a taxi driving along beside us. He proudly explained and demonstrated how you get a taxi driver’s attention by waving your hand.
I then asked, and what do cricket umpires do with their arms when the batsment hits the ball into the fence. He triumphantly did the boundary motions – waving his arm from left to right, and back.
He then had another cricket question for me, “What do you do at the cricket when the police take away your beach ball?” He got it in one, “BOOOOOO!”
We were impressed again in a later trip that same day. Despite the roundabout being 100 metres in front of us, he was able to spot an Audi just like the matchbox car I bought for him the night before. Of course it wasn’t exactly the same. He was able to tell us it was a different colour, and it was bigger.
On Sunday I was outside on the couch reading the weekend paper while my four year old rode his car around the nearby table. I started a game where I was a police officer and as he approached me I would ask to check his license. Then I’d give him a bit of a warning before letting him go on his way. He continued to do this happily a few more times.
Then after a little while of this, he said back to me that I need to check his wife’s license when she drives by, and that I should probably take her into custody cause she’s very mean. Taken a little back, I said sure .. but how will I know who his wife is when I see her.
His response was gold. With total innocence he responded, “she looks like a dog”.
My four year old has had a long interest in music. He loves to watch music, listen to music, and he’s now at a stage where he makes up his own songs. His songs are usually about whatever’s on his mind at the time, but they’re always sung at full volume.
He’s written ditties about trains and police cars. But his more recent songs have been more interesting. For instance, his last song didn’t have many words, but at the top of his lungs he was singing the same words over and over: “Peace and quiet”.
Oh, the irony! And not mistaken irony such as that Alanis Morissette song.
Last night at the dinner table, my four year old noticed that I lost some skin from one elbow from playing touch footy earlier in the week.
Curious, he asked what had happened, so I told him.
He absorbed my response, then responded even more curiously, “Are you still a man?!”
Everyone at the table broke into fits of laughter. And yet again, I was speechless.
On the weekend my four year old was tasked with cleaning his room.
As always, he tried everything possible to get out of it, and became distracted quite a few times.
The more he continued to procrastinate, the more my wife and I intensified our directions.
It got to the point where he wasn’t allowed to leave his room, or play with ANYTHING!
A few moments later I walked past to see how he was progressing. I was surprised to see him standing in the middle of his room with his eyes half closed talking to himself.
I just had to ask what he was doing.
He responded, “I’m wishing”. I just had to then follow-up, “What are you wishing for?”.
“I’m wishing that my room was clean”.
If only things were so simple.
I find cliches interesting.
They solidify a discrete piece of shared knowledge and are passed down over time, yet still new ones are coined to apparently describe some unique insight or guidance to our lives.
The problem is there are just so many cliches at hand, the moral (and therefore usefulness) of each one has lost almost all value. In fact some cliches are in clear conflict with others, yet they both have their own pride of place. And it can be entirely appropriate to drop either one, despite them providing incompatible advice.
I thought a register of contradictory cliches would make an interesting read. Following is the list I have started, and will continue to maintain:
Please email me if you think of any more.
Sadly, a lost baby whale dubbed Colin has been found swimming alone north of Sydney at Pittwater. It’s been trying to nuzzle moored sailing boats, hoping that one of them will be its lost mother.
It seems like a tragic case. The authorities and experts have indicated that the whale will not survive long without its mother. They have all but given up hopes of finding the mother, or another lactating female to give little Colin the necessary support.
Apparently questioning my heavily pregnant wife whether she was lactating yet was out of line.
Addendum: I looked this up after some time. And sadly Colin was euthanased after authorities found what’s likely to be the mother dead in nearby waters, https://www.news.com.au/news/have-sharks-eaten-colins-mum/news-story/4a34ddbb324d4225e7ddae95018dddfe, accessed 20 Aug 2018.
My three year old son was interested in the weekend newspaper I was reading this afternoon. He usually focuses on the cartoons which means I have the difficult task of describing what’s happening, who the people are, and why it could be considered funny by people. Regardless my obvious failing at this, he kindly laughs anyway.
But today there were a few stories on the US election, and specifically Barack Obama. The three year old was quite interested. He asked who was in the picture, so I told him it’s Barack Obama and as my boy is a big fan of our prime minister – heaven knows why – I mentioned that Barack Obama is trying to get the same job that Kevin Rudd has – but in America. My boy giggled, and said “bummer”.
Puerile, but quite funny at the time.
I just know I’ll write more of these, so I’ll forward plan and start numbering.
A guy enters a bar and asks the bar tender for a tall glass of the most expensive scotch he has. The bar tender is happy to oblige and hands a full glass to the guy. The guy puts it to his lips and sculls all the whiskey down in one rushed gulp.
He asks the bar tender for another, just the same. The bar tender pours another tall glass for the man, and yet again – amazingly – the guy sculls the entire glass of scotch again.
At this, the bar tender says to the man, “You’re drinking 18 year, single malt, single cask, scotch imported from a 250 year distillery deep within the highlands of Scotland. You really should slow down and savour it.”
The man responds, “Mate, you’d drink it this fast too if you’ve got what I’ve got”.
To this, the bar tender is taken a little aback. He apologises, and explains he didn’t want to be insensitive. But he just had to ask, “So what do you have?”.
Sheepishly the guy replies, 25 cents.